Bird As Fish

Me as a little girl, just seven.
Doesn't know.
She doesn't know.
Is happy to live life.
Loves summer.
doesn't think that women's shelters are that bad.
believes that life will get better.
Believes that the whole universe will be good to her.
Believes in love.
Looks about her with hope and grace.
she's willing to put up with a little.

Later.

remembers feeling so frightened.
dad could come for her in the night.
Need to have a plan in case he comes in the windows.
Need to have a phone in her room in case he comes up the stairs.
he could come at any time.
this is when her she remembers feeling like she does now for the first time.
after this was when she didn't feel safe.
she starts feeling older than she is. serious.
she starts looking out for mom and baby brothers.
The little mother.

Later.

So broken.
A little older, but much older.
Now she's sixteen years old.
She doesn't live with her mom any more
She lives with godparents in a tense, tense day to day
just get me by
please i want to end it all
please please please
please this is the first time i thought about killing myself
violence inside should be the violence outside
losing hope
Frightened of him, his shadow covers everything in her.
Reliving the second time they fled
Reliving the second time he chased them.
fuck - the first time i thought it or wrote it.
crying, writing, but cannot get over it.
don't have the foundation, don't have the good memories to lean back on
no help
needed the help.
alone in this room with lace on the door frame
no door
and a turtle that i couldn't see because his water was so dirty.

Later.

I was twenty-one.
No home, just a room that I slept in.
not all bad, but feel like i have to hide.
cannot be myself.
suicide - why can't i do it?
there's a knife downstairs,
linoleum red from my wrist.
School keeps me from myself.
I throw myself into it.
Sit with in chemistry.
I think I have a friend.
Few more friends.
I have friends.
I have beautiful, wonderful friends.
Go out with friends.
I have friends with whom I can be myself.

Exploring myself.
I am twenty four.
The past still plagues me
The past, I realize still plagues me.
Maybe it is time to put it out of reach.
Or rather, put it in reach.
Talking to my roommate about it.
felt all the tears well up inside of me
felt all of everything, as many times as I've been over it.
As many times as I've thought of it.
It's time to feel it, think about it, talk about it
no shame to Amélie
she said that she's be there for as long as i needed
she said
she said
she said the beautiful thing said
she's like a rock
she said don't worry
she said with so much seriousness that
I cannot but take her seriously
no laughing matter with her.
Still feel afraid, you know.
Still feel afraid of you never know what.
Still feel afraid of him
Still feel afraid of the beautiful thing
fish out of water with her
bird out of water with her
take me out
come with me in, please come with me into the thing that i fear the most and into our taking back this fucking night, yeah
Yeah.