Bird As Fish

One thing I"ve realized this week is that I'm not who I thought I was.
I can't say that I've often had this revelation. Actually, I can't say that I've ever had it.

I thought I was the brave deep thinker who could face any personal issue head-on and think I just think things through and come up with my own solutions. I thought I was working through my personal problems at a slow but steady rate. I thought I was free-thinking. I thought I was brave. I thought...I thought....

No, I did not think at all. I did not think at all or I would have realized many things.
I would have seen the patterns, I would have heard the battlemen coming. I would have seen the web that I weave for myself.

I thought I was good. I thought I was on the good side.
I thought I was reasonable.
I knew I had a few kinks and quirks, but mostly genial and, well, I thought I was always right.
I thought that everyone else was wrong and were just lying to themselves.

I've just been lying to myself. The whole bloody time, and I can't believe it. Damn, how could I not have seen?

How could I have not seen the hatred, the control? The love of emotion comes on strong. How I love it when it's waves wash over and over me. The love of any emotion at all, even anxiety.

And my addictions, for there are many. Yep, I'm addicted to lots of things. I crave food. I love spending money. I love buying food. I've gained so much weight this year and I've spent hundreds and hundred of dollars at vending machines buying chocolate bars and chips. And I know that it's an addiction and that I like it because I can never leave my wallet at home, in case I'm ever hungry, and I never want anybody else to know that I've done it. It's something to be ashamed of. And when I eat it, I can't stop, I have to gulp the whole thing down, eating it as fast as I can. I once bought two pounds of mints and I ate them in a week. I told everyone that it was three weeks, but it wasn't. It was a week.

I'm also addicted to TV. In my apartment, I used to watch it until four o'clock in the morning. I just couldn't turn it off. I'd be literally falling asleep and I still couldn't turn it off. Now that I can get shows that have been posted on the internet, I will watch them until two or three in the morning, until I hear my aunt get up to go pee, and I will hurridly it off and go to sleep. The same is also true now: once I turn it on, I can't turn it off.

And I love to hate to hate my body and everything about it. All of the hair in all the indescrete places, all the bulges of white fat. I can't look at it. I can't look at myself naked without a shudder and a turning away.

And all the lies, all the ways I pretend. I've got so good at pretending that I fooled myself into believing I had a real life and real friends and I really believed things. But in the end, I realized that I don't actually believe anything, or what I do believe is so secret that I don't even know what it is. And all I do is just let people lead me around, and believe what they believe. It's an insidious way to get people to like me. Lies, lies, lies, lies! It's just like I'm in the business of marketing myself and don't care if I have to sell my soul to do it.

All those people I know who I hope never read this blog - I don't like you! But don't take it personally. I don't like anyone. You are just an object to me. A distainful one.

And I want control, I want all the bloody control and bloody power. If I want it, I'm going to do my darnedest to get it, or I'm going to absolutely deny that I ever wanted it at all. And I can wait. I'll wait and bide my time until I see the right opportunity to put in a little something here and then a month to put something else in there, until you don't you that you are encased in my web, my little web of power.

And I want stuff from people. Mostly I want acceptance. I want someone to think I'm great. And my manipulations will try to weedle. That's why I have so few friends. Because those people I really want something from know it, and avoid it and avoid me, and I try harder to impress, and I try harder to impress, and the more they avoid me. I don't think of you as a person, I think of you as an object from which to try to extract a resource. That's what you call an abuse. And so the only people I end up with are those who I don't actually want to be with in the first place. And I build my little kingdom around me of minions who do my bidding when I call.

And I'm damn afraid. I'm not as afraid as I used to be. But deep down inside, I still shake like I always did. I know this because I was talking to Rick the other night, and some part of me actually became exposed, and it scared me, and more than anything I just wanted out of there, just out of there. It was all I could do to keep talking about it, and the only reason I did that was I was afraid that he would think I was stupid for being so afraid. I'm afraid of what people might think. I'm afraid of what I'll find. I'm afraid of what other people will think when they find it.

The inside of me scares me. It scares me even more now that I can see some of what's inside, and I don't like it. It's sure dark in there. I don't want to see the bad part of me when I thought, I thought that I was good. And if anyone ever finds out that I'm not, I'm toast, I'm finished.

But you know, I just can't do it! I just can't damn-well do it any more. But no more than that, neither can I change. If I wanted to change, and here's the insidious part of myself, if I wanted to change, then I would. IF I ACTUALLY WANTED TO, I WOULD. I don't want to change, and any change I would make would just be fleeting, temporary, and fake. Fake, just like it all.

Fake, just like my whole life. Like another one of the tens of thousands of lies that cocoon me inside where it's deep, dark and poisonous.

So, I'm done with excuses - that's the truth as far as I know it. That's the whole fucking truth.