Bird As Fish

I was nervous.

I knew it was coming.

He was going to say it.

He was going to say it and then I couldn't pretend any more. I don't know about anybody else, but I told myself that we were just friends. In fact, I'd told them all the same thing. At the same time, I couldn't get away from the squirming feeling deep inside that we were somehow progressing past that. We were friends who were spending lots of time together.

Corse I knew that if he said it then we'd both, actually, that I'd have to decide whether I wanted to go along with that. I knew that I'd have to say no. I just wasn't going to give in again to a relationship that wasn't going to work. I wasn't willing to give my heart away again. Meanwhile, I was trying to avoid the inevitable.

He'd stop as he was walking to the door. He'd look into my eyes. Avoiding his gaze I'd remind him (for his own good of course) how early he had to work in the morning and that he should get going.

"MJ?"

"Yeah? Listen Rick, you know, it's really late..."

"I know, I know but..."

"Are these your shoes?" I asked. It was a not-so-subtle hint.

"Yeah. Well, um"

"Forgot what you were going to say huh? Yeah it happens to me all the time too. Well, anyways..."

"Oh yeah," he replied back, "yeah, I forgot what I was going to say."

"Now, where'd I put your jacket?" Inside I was squirming, just squirming. So...awkward...! The apartment was so small that not looking at him was really inconvenient. I either had to get a sudden urge to do up a load of dishes or an unconscionable need to examine the minutae of drywall cuz all there was was the sink, the wall or Rick. Somehow I managed and went to say goodbye. His face was absolutely boiling with blushliness. No, no, don't say it! Don't, don't don't!

Strapping the helmet on his head, and putting his jacket on, it looked as though I was going to succeed for yet another day. I breathed a sigh of relief and looked him in the eyes, ready to say my triumphant goodbye.

"I really like you MJ" he said quickly.

"I like you too Rick." And he shut the door behind him. Gahhhh! What was I thinking? I was supposed to reject his offer. I was supposed to explain to him very gently but very succinctly that I didn't want a relationship right then, that I didn't like him like that. Still, he could have been saying it in a sort of friendly way and if he ever asked, I would argue that that's what I thought he meant, even though it was quite clear that that's not what he meant.

I threw myself down in bed with a mixture of giddiness and disgust and fell to sleep just as soon as the butterflies in my stomach quit tittering.

"MJ! What's gotten into you?" they asked me at work. "You're so happy today." I just shrugged and danced off to the money room, using my till as a dancing ribbon, albeit a very heavy, inconveniently stiff one. It really was more of a dancing log. Or perhaps a plank. All throughout the day, I would smile to myself, but I kept the memory to myself.

That was when we went to see Hitch and he wanted to hold my hand, but I was a cold, laughing, epileptic fish and would have no such thing. After the movie, he drove me home and came inside for a few minutes. We sat on the day bed and talked about the movie. But really the movie was just a cover for what he really wanted to talk about. He wasn't entirely sure that the night before I had actually returned the "like you" or if he had just imagined it, in all the fuss and nervousness.

"So...is there...is there something going on between us?" That was much less ambiguous. I just laughed really long and replied:
"I certainly hope so."

He smiled at me, a little mischeviously. "So that means I can do this?" He drew a perfect Delta sign on my knee.

"Yeah" I replied a little coyly. He smiled back at me. I didn't mind looking at him now.

I think about it now, that little Delta. Our first touch. I have since learned that in scientific terms Delta means "change in". I like to think of that moment as "change in me". I didn't know it then but my little, shrivelled seed of a heart was getting its first drink of water in a long time and soon there would be a change in me. That little moment, my Delta moment.