Bird As Fish

Today I found an interesting attitude that I possess, very interesting indeed, especially when it comes to Nadiel. I found that with certain people, I push them to dislike me, I push people to anger and am satisfied when I make them angry. Instead of just satisfied, I mean bordering on relief, not that I am happy they dislike me, but it seems easier maybe than trying to please them. Maybe it is just a lazy attitude but no, I do the same thing with Dale, at least kind of. I fall behind him, so that maybe he'll forget about me, and I don't have to worry about him liking me anymore. [How is it possible that he'll just forget me, his girlfriend, I don't know, but that is what I think, I guess, and I don't do anything special for him, or even try to look nice for him. Maybe it would just be easier if he did forget me]

Maybe somehow I can fight this attitude, detrimental as it is. The one time Mum yelled at me, and I actually laughed with glee. What a horrible thing todo. I just feel like shouting to the whole world sometimes, "Leave me alone! I don't give a damn what you think about me" but deep down, I know I still do. I feel like it is a something that just keeps on, keeps on tapping my shoulder, all the while he has his hand in my stomach and squeezes harder and harder the more I try to rid myself of him and that it will take some form of violence to rid me of him. Maybe the sword, maybe the sword will have to cut it out. Either that or it will come out as I fall down a flight of stairs. Either one really, I think, would do the trick nicely.

© 2004 All Rights Reserved MJ Jackson
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