Bird As Fish

Dear Naing,
If I were without you, I don't know what I'd do. How can I express to you that you are loved? How can I show you I love you? You are my best friend. In the whole world, there is no one I can talk to like I can talk to you. You don't want anything from me, except my computer on a semiregular basis. You don't care if I'm crummy. You spend hours talking to me for no reason, except that I'm upset and hurting. You give me your honest opinion no matter what, and it doesn't hurt with you like it does with other people. You love me.

I had a dream the other night, or maybe it wasn't a dream. It was in that place in between dreams and reality, and you were there, and then you suddenly died. And I sat beside the car, at first in shock, but then I started thinking about all of the things that would change now that you were gone. And I realized something. Now that you were gone, I would be alone, completely and utterly alone. You are the barrier that keeps me from it just being me. You are the one who keeps it from just being one. You are my buffer, you are my window, you are my telephone, you are my playmate, you are my best friend, you are my salt, you are my stories (half of them begin with "This one day, Naing..."), you are my validation, you are my fan club, you are my craziness, and I don't even know if I can say how much I love you, and if I could, if it would mean anything to you. You laugh at all my stupid jokes, you love all my stories, you listen to me. You and I can talk about anything, anything that I could never talk about with anyone else, periods and sex and hickeys and illfitting underwear. You know just as much about me as everyone else in the world, and you nag about the rest, in such a loving way that I want to tell you.

You are like that OLP song that goes something like "sunny days that we ignore because we're all down and jaded". I'm sorry Naing, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please forgive me for being such a crummy sister to you. I love you so much
MJ.

©2004 All Rights Reserved MJ Jackson
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