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Tuesday, November 04, 2003
-Kraft Dinner
After cleaning the house for an hour and a half, I decided to treat myself to Kraft Dinner. After about the second bowl [when the cheese sauce was starting to give me a buzz] I began to wonder about Kraft Dinner.
Why is it so addictive? I mean, I wouldn't eat a second bowl of almost anything else in the world, but with KD, I can eat an entire box. Maybe it's all psychological. Maybe in your subconscious, you know that after the first fifteen minutes of it's completion as a Kraft product, it coagulates and never is the same deliciously cheesy food, you once knew. You can add milk, you can add butter, you can even [bypassing the microwave] put it lovingly back in a pot on the stove, stirring and coaxing gently, even playing classical music in the background, but it will never be the same. So to compensate for this wastage, your brain tells you to eat as much as is humanly possible, shoving it all into your mouth to meet your fifteen minute deadline, even using the Extend-a-stomach to hold the overflow.
And why is it called Cheese Sauce? Is it to bring back the nostalgia of a time when there really existed such a thing as real cheese? Have you ever actually read the ingredient list? Its like a trip back to highschool chemistry: microbacterial enzymes, calcium chloride, and sodium phosphates don't sound too healthy to me. And how about citric, lactic and sorbic acid? I don't like the sound of all that acid going into my food. But when you get down to the French label, everything sounds so much scarier: farine de ble enrichie, substances laitieres modifees, culture microbacterienne, presure ou enzyme microbacterienne. [Thanks to my extensive education, I know that the French eat exactly the same thing as we do. Strangely, this does not reassure me.]
And why, WHY, do people eat ketchup on their Kraft Dinner? Especially those that stir it into their food. You get this conglomerated mass of wet, pink, noodles. And I'm sorry, but anyone caught eating pink food should be shot. And promptly. Let the rest of us eat our yellow macaroni in peace. Another thing that is so desecrating about ketchup is the fact that it is so cold when you put it on hot noodles. We warm up our gravy, we warm up our fudge, we warm up our caramel, so why should we insist our ketchup be glacic? There is no compromise, even, with true ketchup lovers, to even raise it to room temperature before applying. The shocking, vinegary, tomato taste helps one to develop a pattern when consuming things eaten with immoderate amounts of this condiment: chew, shudder, swallow; chew, shudder, swallow. This eating pattern though, can be of great aid to the anti-condimentist when trying to identify those with true addictions to this masochistic oddity.
© 2003 All rights reserved MJ Jackson
This article may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the permission of the author.
Why is it so addictive? I mean, I wouldn't eat a second bowl of almost anything else in the world, but with KD, I can eat an entire box. Maybe it's all psychological. Maybe in your subconscious, you know that after the first fifteen minutes of it's completion as a Kraft product, it coagulates and never is the same deliciously cheesy food, you once knew. You can add milk, you can add butter, you can even [bypassing the microwave] put it lovingly back in a pot on the stove, stirring and coaxing gently, even playing classical music in the background, but it will never be the same. So to compensate for this wastage, your brain tells you to eat as much as is humanly possible, shoving it all into your mouth to meet your fifteen minute deadline, even using the Extend-a-stomach to hold the overflow.
And why is it called Cheese Sauce? Is it to bring back the nostalgia of a time when there really existed such a thing as real cheese? Have you ever actually read the ingredient list? Its like a trip back to highschool chemistry: microbacterial enzymes, calcium chloride, and sodium phosphates don't sound too healthy to me. And how about citric, lactic and sorbic acid? I don't like the sound of all that acid going into my food. But when you get down to the French label, everything sounds so much scarier: farine de ble enrichie, substances laitieres modifees, culture microbacterienne, presure ou enzyme microbacterienne. [Thanks to my extensive education, I know that the French eat exactly the same thing as we do. Strangely, this does not reassure me.]
And why, WHY, do people eat ketchup on their Kraft Dinner? Especially those that stir it into their food. You get this conglomerated mass of wet, pink, noodles. And I'm sorry, but anyone caught eating pink food should be shot. And promptly. Let the rest of us eat our yellow macaroni in peace. Another thing that is so desecrating about ketchup is the fact that it is so cold when you put it on hot noodles. We warm up our gravy, we warm up our fudge, we warm up our caramel, so why should we insist our ketchup be glacic? There is no compromise, even, with true ketchup lovers, to even raise it to room temperature before applying. The shocking, vinegary, tomato taste helps one to develop a pattern when consuming things eaten with immoderate amounts of this condiment: chew, shudder, swallow; chew, shudder, swallow. This eating pattern though, can be of great aid to the anti-condimentist when trying to identify those with true addictions to this masochistic oddity.
© 2003 All rights reserved MJ Jackson
This article may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the permission of the author.
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