Bird As Fish

I haven't had a day off in nearly two weeks, hence the interruption, but Thursday and Friday I have off and I await them with eager anticipation.

You know what's funny?

Today is the anniversary, if you want to call it that of us breaking up. Well, it was four months ago, yesterday, now that I am thinking about it. And I still think about him. Is that normal? I mean, I'm getting over it and not obsessing, [obsessing isn't the word, but I would think about him a lot, and then cry, and then firmly say that I was over him] like I used to but still I think of him, and sometimes I realize that he is there, still in the back of my mind like a presence, hovering.

I have never broken up with anyone before in this calabre of relationship. We went out for a year, so I don't know if that is how I am supposed to think. I don't talk about him anymore, which is a good sign for both me and my family [they breathe collective sighs of relief], not that I talked about him a lot, but just randomly in conversations, I would blurt out, "I miss him", and they would roll their eyes and say, "yeah, it's hard" and then continue on with whatever they were saying. I give them credit for not getting tired of it, but you know, he is still there.

And do you want to know the most annoying thing? I still see him once or twice a week. I can't avoid it. We hang out in the same circle of friends, so I can't avoid seeing him, unless I want to totally give up my social activities. Oh, garr.

For about the first month and a half, I still called him, and talked to him, because he said he still wanted to be my friend, of course with guys, perhaps they mean it in the beginning, but once the kissing is gone, they realize that they never had much interest in you anyways [hear the bitterness - wow, I really need to get over that]. One Sunday night, after hanging out with him and a few other guys, in which he totally ignored me, [and that made me overwhelmingly angry], I sent an email to a friend of mine who knows both of us, and who had been in a similar situation with his ex-girlfriend. He gave me some really good advice. After trying to pursue a healthy, normal relationship with him for a while, perhaps it was just time to start ignoring him. If he did not care to have a relationship with me, then why bother continuing trying. It sounds mean, but I have employed said strategy ever since, and feel marvellously better for it.

Only he looks at me in such a way, whenever I see him that makes me feel wierd. It's as if he is looking for something, he looks and I do not return his searching look, although as a woman, I am far more adept at it than he. Rather I look right through him. It is not revenge though, for I would not do that for revenge, for if it were, than I would only be hurting myself. Rather, I am not trying to punish him for not caring about me, that would be the wrong way to go about things. I do not care for his friendship now. He can have it and make friends with others and these things do not bother me. [See, normally, I crave friendship, or I despise it. I have never before been in this state of limbo, where I just don't care. It is quite a new sensation, very liberating. It puts me in control].

To my credit, though, I have never been rude, never once openly rude, never spoken about him rudely to others. I treat him with all the courtesy that I would any other human being, because that is proper, and if I didn't I would feel crappy about myself, and that is counter-productive. See, I may be hurt by his behavior, but that doesn't mean that I should be cruel to him back. I however, do not feel it necessary to talk to him unless he talks to me, in which I am perfectly polite. And that makes everything alright, until I get over it.

Sometimes, I wonder though, is he over me? Did he do a better job at self protection than I? Does he ever think about me, does he ever want to call me, but doesn't? My curiousity burns for answers. I wish he had a chart attached to his back that I could read that tells of his condition, just so that I could know. That would be a grand thing - to know about a man, but equally impossible, especially with this one, and especially in my current state of polite silence. I assume this is a totally normal womanly thought, although one which I eagerly try to quench, and am ashamed to admit even here on a page which currently has a total hit count of "2", and I have an inventory of all those visiting the site, [my brother for one and his friend the other, both only to read my "Welcome" sequence, which they felt was brilliant, only it required too much thinking on their part]. I am just as eager to part with these thoughts and feelings as they are eager to cling on. So we'll see who in the end wins. [Tune in next time to see the conclusion, same bat channel same bat time...no I'm just joking. I know it will be me, it's just a question of when]

Maybe by Christmas, and he will no longer sit in the back of my mind, a presence hovering, colouring everything I see with tints of him, with tints of sadness. And then I can forget all about him, and we will all breath sighs of relief because no longer will he be taking up my writing time and my writing space, and I can think of other things and other people, and maybe even get a new man, haha, yes a new man, and not for the reason that I want to prove something to the old one, or I want to hurt the old one, a new man because I like this new man, and want to have a new relationship, because I have a positive outlook on life, and I am not afraid.

Talk to you soon.

© 2003 All rights reserved MJ Jackson
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