Bird As Fish

It was twilight when I decided it was 'bout time to be 'eadin' 'ome. The missus'ud be up with the kids, keepin' the grub warm. 'Twas rather a pretty night, I remember, I do, 'ow th' purple can t'gether with th' blue. "A perfect oonion" in the words o' the hol' priest. It was a fortnight after the Amuricans han' their Dependence Day. I remember too 'cuz I was just gettin' my skivvies back to norm arfur all them fireworks scared my blathers out. My 'umble 'ome lay has it were, just on th' 'em o' th' city, where hall them rich n' fancy gents lived in them mighty big 'ouses. 'Corse I wasn't has privurged has all tha', but I took up me residence in one o' thur gardens. They didn't seem to mind hit, an' even one o' th' other unforchnates, like myself fed me a' times.

'Though she called me "Birdie", when me real name be Ralph, I still ate the stuff and took it 'ome t' Mum. Well, y'see, I seed 'er then too from where I sat in th' happle tree, a sittin' in th' twilight on 'er bench lookin' a little down on the rims. Just a sittin' there, hall alone. Now don't you be askin' me why. She just be a sittin' there for hunown reasons.

'N then I sawed it, with me own eye sockets, 'er dress be all torn t' bits n' pieces, like a 'awk's claws went hat it. Well then I was ticked, ticked right t' th' gills. I 'as 'elped with me own two claws t' make tha' dress. Th' mice always know a mighty bit more than me, being 'ouse'olders an' they convinced me to lay a 'and to charity.

Well, I flew 'ome right straight 'n tol' the missus. She blowed 'er 'at when she 'eard, an' she allus had a fearsome temper, I tell you. Being a woman 'erself, she synthesized with tha' poor unforchnate, 'n said she'd like to send 'er a nice synthesy card. We wasn't as educated as all that though. It would 'ave just looked like chicken scratch. We just decided that a cassarole would be more a fittin' ya see. So I picked up the grub that was to be me dinner, still squirmin' it was and flew o'er to the young'un.

Well blow me eyes out an' make 'em jelly! No more was that gel a sittin' in 'er own tears but a sittin' in 'er own carriage, all done up nice like a swell. Naw, she was God-honest beautiful like I'd never seen 'er get up. The carriage looked suspickushly like a pumpkin from just beyond the way.

An old lady jiggled like breakfast marmelade as she jumped hup and down, like a body fresh out o' the pub. This sight gave me the good ol' fashioned jeebers has I got goosepimples from me 'ead to me claw. Figuring to me, that she didn't need our synthesy, I took t' eatin' that fine grub, right straight to the feelers, which I saved for the kids - they like to suck on 'em y'know.

Went to bed straight arfer tha'. Too much jeebers for one day don't do a body good. But 'bout midnight by me ol' ticker the wife she wakes me an' says that there's a some'em creepin' below. I love the old duck, I do, but she hain't got no nerves, for nothin'. So I gets up an' pops me 'ead out th' door.

Well if it hain't that poor unforchnate, a comin' 'ome in 'er rags with the mice an' dog. What a sight! lookin' like they just lost the biggest cockfight in town. I tells this to the wife, an' she just clucks like an old 'en, an' tells me it's love. I shakes me 'ead and goes back to bed.

Busy as I was for the next few days (I 'ad business with the pawnbrokers see). I didn't get to visitin' that poor girl. The missus did once or twice and declared that 'er problem was definitely Love. A couple days arfer what a skwawking went up by the Big 'Ouse that I 'ad to go see what the ol' riot was fer. The ol' witch in th' 'Ouse was makin' a terrible 'mount of noise, til I took a bit o' charge an' told me cousin to shut 'er trap. 'E did 'n quite nicely too, a stockin' from the laundry did the job. From there the old 'ound took 'er. I'd never much cared for 'im but now that I see 'e 'as 'is uses, I is quite 'appy to 'ave 'im around.

One of 'em really big swells who can afford to 'ave their shirt starched everyday a marched 'imself right up them stairs with 'er shoe in 'is hand an' when he marched right back down, tha' gel was in 'is harms, 'er shoe hon 'er foot.

The missus gave me a good snuggle arfer tha', all 'appy like. I was good an' confused. 'E only wanted to give 'er shoe back. I says this to 'er. All she would say to me was, "Men!"

© 2003 All rights reserved MJ Jackson
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