Bird As Fish

A little explanation, perhaps is in order. My secret life, is not perhaps something about which I can say, "I live a secret life." Firstly, because that would defeat the purpose of having a secret life, but also because some aspects are not secretive at all, if only people would care to look, but I am afraid that most people do not. And there is a reason for that, I am convinced. I am convinced that most everybody else also has a secret life as well, and that they are wrapped up in their own secret life so completely that they don't have the extra eyes to look into others. But then again, life is life, and that is how life is. Therefore, I have started this blog to perhaps give myself and others a glance into this life behind the life. Writing helps clarify so many things, to get things out of the world of the emotionally named objects, into the world of words, into the world of the concrete, where things don't change with the time of day, where things, once you have them down are there. It is not only memory to which I apply myself.

What about the name? Bird as fish? I'm convinced that I am not really the self that I have become. I am often stonefaced, uncaring, unemotional, fearing, controlling, and other the other miscellany of vices I have aquired through my time on earth. Like a fish in a pond, I have no control, I must stay where I am put. I'm convinced that I am not really a fish, but a bird acting like a fish. Birds can fly wherever, birds are free. Perhaps one day, I will put aside my scuba gear and go where I really want to go, and be free like I feel. Instinct is calling to me, and my wings are itching, worse and worse with every passing day, and one day, I will just have to go. That is the day I am longing for, that is the day I smile for, that is the day I dream about. Why then do I stay here, underwater, cold and wet? Familiarity. I have never seen the sky, never felt the wind. In short, I am afraid.

© 2003 All rights reserved MJ Jackson
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