Bird As Fish

While I was on the bus yesterday, I thought about this one time when I was sitting in a small group, and we were discussing what we wanted - what we wanted if we could have anything, what we wanted if we could only spend $5 on it, what we wanted if it didn't cost anything. Everyone gave joke answers - a cowboy hat, a fishing license, because no one wanted to say what it is they really wanted, no one wanting to make themselves vulnerable. I, myself said I wanted a bicycle pedal if I could have anything that only cost $5 - hey I would be that much closer to owning a bike. It was a typical group, and then someone came out and said something that shocked everyone and made them look at the floor tiles or pick at the nasty black caps on the chair frames in nervousness. He said, as if he had been contemplating saying something else, "I want to know for one second what it is to be truly alive. For one second, I'd like to know that I was truly alive." He said it nervously, he said it haltingly, swallowing in between two words of a sentence. Someone across from me rolled their eyes, another person looked nervously around to see if there was anyone brave doing something that they could also do. Another person, [that would be me] said "Hmm" and nodded their head, in an effort to validate what he had said, and not make him feel embarrassed, but at the same time, I didn't know what to say to make everything all better.

My minimal efforts didn't help and he sat, not looking at anybody, with a red face, never to be honest, never to bare his self again.

What do you do in a situation like that? How do you communicate that it is alright, that I appreciated such honesty, and wished I were brave like that, without making them even more embarrassed, and without embarrassing myself, without it seeming like they had crossed the borders of normal behavior, and you are just trying to reassure them.

I don't know. I lack that kind of social tact, that a normal upbringing would perhaps imparted to me. I have a good heart, but I lack the tools. What is equally disappointing is that life is full of social situations like that I still sit in the shadows on and don't know how to behave, where I could do good, if only I knew how.

Then there was this other time that I was sitting in a classroom at lunch time and this guy I really like came up to my desk. He had bright orange hair, lots of freckles, a pug nose, and a smile everyone loved. He said, "I really like you, MJ. You are a lot different than the other girls in this class." I can't remember exactly everything he said, as at that moment, I flushed red and wondered how I could possibly extricate myself from this situation. To this day, I wish I had said something instead of just walking away.

Granted it was quite a few years ago, but it still bothers me as an example of my profound chasm of missing protocol. I really liked the guy, why didn't I say anything? Why did I find it necessary to reject him again and again throughout the year? I still appreciate it to this day, the fact that someone found something good in me, and found enough courage to tell me about it.

© 2003 All rights reserved MJ Jackson
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